If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
