I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
