The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
