you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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