i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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