My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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