your parents love me but you hate me
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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