I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
