I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
