I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
