So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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