I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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