I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
