i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sex in the backyard? Check.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
