Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
