Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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