I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
