someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
