It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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