im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
