i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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