My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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