the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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