Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
