I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
