I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
