I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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