OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
