my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Fuck appropriateness.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
