totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
