I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
