When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Randomize
