I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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