I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
