that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
