I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
