It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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