Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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