I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
