im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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