I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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