the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
