look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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