What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
