Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
