apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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