I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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