I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
