how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
