my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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